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C O F F E E L I G H T
Pew Functionality & the modern parish
Here we are in the 21st century and if you look around your parish church you might never know that you are living in the modern age of comfort and technology. Sure some churches look like they are from a science fiction show, but when you look closer the basics have changed hardly at all.
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Just look at your basic pew. Many churches still have your basic wooden uncomfortable pew. Some have upholstered them with padding to make them slightly more comfortable or in some cases making them less comfortable. Most Catholics have come to learn the postures of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass so that they become second nature. But sometimes because of local changes people aren't sure if they are suppose to stand or kneel at some point. If you travel often you have to try to play follow the leader to determine what you posture is expected of you.
Now you might wonder what pews, postures, and living in the 21st century have to do with each other. Well the answer is both simple and amazing that no other company has solved the problem before.
Introducing the La-Z-Pew!
This amazing piece of comfort technology that solves so many problems all in one stroke. This pew chair is the ultimate in charity! You will love it. The Holy Father's Cathedra has nothing on the La-Z-Pew. This chair will not Peter out. But you think to yourself you can't possibly get the parish finance board to come up with the money just so that the congregation can have the ultimate in comfort. But wait till you hear about all of the features of the La-Z-Pew.
The La-Z-Pew automatically adjusts to the correct postures throughout Mass. Shown here is the kneeling position. You will be amazed as the whole congregation as a whole all kneel at the same time. Time to stand, well you can stand our chair because it also helps you to move to a standing positing in a comfortable glide that will add no wear or tear to your joints.
But wait there is more! At the consecration of the Eucharistic species the La-Z-Pew softly vibrates to remind you to pray attention.
Inside the arm of each La-Z-Pew is a handy pocket used to store the missal and any hymnals. Having difficulties hearing the liturgy? Simply use the embedded control panel to increase the volume in the built in speakers or use the handy mute button for an especially banal hymn.
The La-Z-Pew is adjustable depending on the form of liturgy being offered: maximal upright kneeling for traditionalists, and a mild squat for the Saturday 4 pm suburban Mass. For charismatics, it can boost people to a full standing position for arm-waving, and when parishioners "rest in the Spirit" during the healing service, they can be boosted back up without making the ushers hurt their backs.
The La-Z-Pew is also great for children. Simply strap your child in and set the control panel to "Bouncing Knee" or "Rocking back and forth" mode. Plus each La-Z-Pew has built in sound baffles to help out when all else fails. Pastors will especially love the La-Z-Pew. During financial appeals the La-Z-Pew can be set to massage mode to provide maximum receptivity towards giving. After all invoking "God loves a cheerful giver" only works so many times. The new La-Z-Celebrant is great for those elderly priest who are still helping out long past the normal retirement age. Everybody needs a little help sometime and your pastor will love the smooth lift to standing position.
So ditch the old pews - out with the old and in with the La-Z-Pew!
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Two Catholic Boys
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
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They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became Priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift, to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked,
"Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called " Pope Secola".
IPSO is not responsible for any collateral or otherwise damage caused by excessive groaning as a result of this or any other story.
Saying Grace in a Restaurant: an anonymous webtale
Last week, I took my children to a restaurant.
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My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great.
Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."
THE END
CELL PHONE vs. BIBLE
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cellphone?
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What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets? and flipped through it several times a day. Would you turn back to get it if you forgot it? Would your children be happy to receive it as a gift? Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being disconnected. Jesus already paid the bill.
